The Beginning or the End?

Alright as promised, let's begin the deep dive into why and how an eating disorder.

Keep in mind, eating disorders are a bit dense so it'll take a sec for the full picture to develop. And when it does, if you could show me that picture I'd super appreciate it!

Okay, so... not sure if you heard but there was a pandemic that happened!

For me, I was in senior year of high school at the onset of the world shutting down and had no idea how that would impact my life to present day.

As I told you, I plan to use a good dose of cringey honesty so here it is. I actually was super excited when we got the announcement that we had two weeks off of school. I immediately looked at flights [as I often- one of my more expensive hobbies], called up my aunt in Charleston, booked a flight, and left 3 days later.

Proof of my flight ft. the one other passenger

Little did I know that this flight to Charleston would foreshadow the metaphorical 'eating disorder plane' that would take off and, shortly after, collide with the only life I knew.

This was end of March/beginning of April that this "break" happened, so it conflicted with the start of lacrosse season. I loved lacrosse- the team atmosphere, fast pace, and structured activity that got built into my day as a result. Each senior girl was paired with another and were senior group leaders for the younger girls on the team. So, being seniors, my friend and I were leaders of the pink team.

Each day the coaches would post a fitness challenge on our team social media page. Each team member that recorded themselves doing the strength workouts or runs and posted it on their Instagram story got their team a point. Whichever team at the end of the two weeks that had the most points won. Can you see where this is going?

Since I had traveled to Charleston during the "break", I did the challenges from there. I would be in my aunt's apartment recording myself doing planks, mountain climbers, wall sits, bike rides, runs etc. Anything that could get my team more points.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Actually, it was yesterday while I was talking to my therapist that this memory surfaced.

Anyhow, the combination of doing fitness challenges, posting them on social media, seeing what other teammates had posted- and then knowing that I needed to do more if I wanted our team to win- fostered the start of this ugly comparison that I am still working to fight off today.  It would lead to me getting to the point where I couldn't breathe, barely ate, and never rested.

I do not believe that this was ever the intention. The coaches were just trying to make sure that our team did not lose any time due to this "unexpected break".

Nor was this experience the only factor that played into the comparison struggle. Many other things would add fuel to the fire, and as they say, it only takes one spark to start a wildfire.

But the pink team won so that counts for something right?!

~Another day, another slay~

Lydia